Sad

At the end of today's walk with Gin, she moved sideways across to some bushes, stood up on her hind legs and collapsed. I lifted her up and carried her immediately. She was so limp like a rag doll. I was so afraid that she would die there that very moment. I carried her all the way home. She is still able to walk after that at home. She has been walking around the house, her tongue hanging out, breathing and panting heavily.

The vet did mentioned before that her wind pipes were narrowing and her heart enlarged so I think she is breathing mostly through her mouth. Usually she would lie down prone on the floor but she is now just walking and walking around in big circles all over the house.

I feel so sad and helpless. Is this her very last night? Frankly I just do not know what to do. What can I do? Is she suffering? Does she know what is happening to her?

I have been caressing and stroking her cos I am so afraid that I would never have aother chance to do so any more. I cannot help crying. 15 years may seem a long time but it is actually such a short period for us to be together. I cannot sleep. I am so afraid that she would be gone when I awake. So afraid that I would never see her again.

So sad. Feeling so sad. I am losing a part of me. Part of me is dying.

Monks and Hair

Why must monks shave their hair?

Monks are to be indifferent to worldly temptations. So what do they have to keep their hair?
The body is only a shell. A bald head is a departure from having too much love for your body.

Buddha says think not of yourself, humans, the masses or the immortals. Everything around us is an illusion. Trouble comes with being oversensitive.

One is too sensitive about how people look at oneself, sensitive about whether one looks good, sensitive about too many matters and things.

Trouble follows only when one's mind is distracted. Those who know how to let go will have less problems.

Gin coughing

Gin has been coughing more frequently. From 2-3 coughs a day, it has increased to 8-10 times or more. Her appetite is still good, she still wants her snacks and food. And she did not faint or roll over when she went for a walk yestersday.

Frankly, I have accepted the fact that she is old and her life is almost over. And yet I am unable to let go.

SO made an appointment with the vet on Friday morning, before my blood test.

Everyday, to me is like her last.

The Italian Banker

On the series, "Dirty sexy money", there was mention of "Italian Banker", a sexual position.

I was intrigued and did a search online and this was what I found:

Italian banker sexual position
The man is laying down, facing up. The woman is above him, also facing up. Sorta like a crab walk, just above him. She would use her hands to remain above. Possibly referred to as Italian chandelier, could be same .

In the 1960's a pornographic film made in Europe was released. It was generally run of the mill and seemed to mimic most of its genre. However one scene was a stand-out regarding a bank president and the office-affair he was having with his secretary. It may or may not have been the first of its kind to show up on film but the secretary is standing completely naked in front of the banker who is seated. She bends forward and downward to provide oral-sex. The scene is shot from behind her and below and although the position has been repeated countless times since it has always been known in the adult-film industy as "the Italian Banker".
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_italian_banker_supposedly_its_a_sexual_position

Italian banker sex position burns 912 Calories This must be a list for women only because missionary only burns 12 calories. Anyway, in this position the female definitely is a busy person. She lies on her partner (facing upward) and arches her back to allow penetration. Then she has to do a crab-like back-bendy motion to get the motion going.

Oral sex

Oral sex cartoon..... Geee....what were you expecting?

My dying love

Gin, the love of my life, my beloved terrier is dying. She is about 15 years old this year, a grand dame in doggy years. I had her since she was a few weeks old and she had been with me for most of these years. Except for the few years I moved away from home. But once I had my own place, I moved her back to stay with me.

She has always been a loving, patient little doggie. My previous dog, a Pomeranian lived only to about 10 years of age. So 15 years has been a blessing.

Since the beginning of the year, Gin has been showing signs of her age. There were a few occasions she collapsed after coughing. Her coughing has been getting worse. We had a heart ray done and the vet said she had a heart problem and that her windpipes were narrowing. All these are signs of aging. Other than giving her anti-biotic to help relaxed her pipes and cough syrup to sooth her throat, the vet said nothing can be done.

Frankly, I dun quite expect her to live beyond the year. Everyday, I live in fear of the moment that she would breathe her last.

Just this evening, as I was bringing her for a walk, she staggered and I had to carry her. She went all limp and soft, her energy all gone. But back home, she managed to recover.

She has been panting and smiling at me these few nights and it bloody hell scared me and freaked me out. And it broke my heart to see her this way.

Just a few days ago, on a walk, she just collapsed on the floor and gave a blood curdling cry that can be heard for miles. Frankly, I thought, that's it, finally and it really scared me to hell and back.

One of my worse nightmares was that I have lost her. There were several nightmares I had where she gone all missing and I cannot find her. I always woke up in tears and sweating and the first time I did was check she is still around and not missing.

Gin had a good life. If I am a dog, I want to be her. She was loved, had good food, good company, and a great life. I just dread the day that she would be taken from me and go to doggie heaven.

I am going for a blood test this friday and I did consider taking her to the vet since we lease a car for the day. But can the vet do anything? She is already at her end of her years. 15 years is really quite an old ripe age for canine.

I was also thinking of bringing her to the groomer after the vet, but I am so afraid that she would collapse and just drop dead at the groomer.

SO refuses to let me take her to the vet on Friday cos I have a medical appointment on Saturday. It is the day the doctor would test my blood level to access if my liver condition has worsen. SO is afraid that if she dies at the vet or groomer, I would not turn up for the medical appointment.

My heart is heavy. Gin is the love of my life, she is my sister, best friend and daughter, Frankly, I do not know what to do without her around.

Prince Caspian

Yesterday, I finally got to watch "Prince Caspian". We had been waiting to catch this move for weeks now, but I was sick, or was too tired or SO was too busy.

Anyway, SO was more excited this show than I was. I had read the Narnia series books about 5 times and while I really enjoyed the books, I was afraid the movies cannot do justice to the books.

The first Narnia movie, "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" followed the book quite closely and it was real cool to have something you read come alive in the form of a movie.

Well, the Narnia books cannot be compared to the "Lord of the Rings" book series. I have tried reading the Ring books and I gave up after the very first chapter. It was reading for very mature adults and the material was rather dry.

The Narnia series on the other hand was written more for children. It's language and writing style is so simple, that it is almost laughable by today's standards. One thing I dun like about the Narnia series is that there is a very strong underlying element of religion within the context. In certain parts, the books sounded almost too preachy. Frankly, I find that in certain portions of the stories, excessive Christian theological concepts are incorporated that it almost become a Christian fairy tale. But I did enjoyed the stories enough to read it more than 5 times and at least 2 of the times, when I was no longer a child but an adult.

"Prince Caspian" the movie was not quite what I had expected. Basically, I can still remembered the story. Prince lead rebellion, blow the horn to summon the 4 children, 4 children arrived, gathered Narnia troops, fight big battle. Of course, some where in between Aslan appeared.

So i was a bit shocked when some extra scenes appeared in the movie. I dun remember reading about the raid at the castle. I dun quite remember the duel between Peter and the other King.

And Prince Caspian sounded foreign, with a thick European accent, like Antonio Bandaras leaning to speak English.

Overall, I find the movie okay but a bit slow though. The movie was not a direct theatrical adaptation of the book. After the Hollywood treatment, the movie is now "based" on the book, meaning that Hollywood has added modern elements as to what they think will make the story better and appeal to contemporary audience. Even SO was saying that this movie as compared to the prior one is less preachy and "religious".

The most popular character of the entire movie was not Prince Caspian, nor any of the 4 children, but Reepicheep, the mouse. Every time, he appeared, audience in my cinema cheered or laughed. And yes, he would be back in the next Narnia movie. (I read the book, remember)

Frankly, I have dug out my Narnia series and started reading "Prince Caspian" again. The language is even simpler than I expected, that it's almost like I am reading Enid Blyton, another favorite childhood author of mine.

I offered to let SO read the Narnia series but he said no thanks, he's not interested, he's just interested in watching the movie, not reading the book.

-----------------------------------

There is an interesting theme song towards the end of the movie that's rather touching.

The Call by Regina Spektor

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye..

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye.

Going Retro

I was at the Gramophone music shop, waiting for the movie, "Prince Caspian" to start. There were lots of these contemporary CDs available, yet these days I find myself going retro.

Recent music bores me. I had a listen to Madonna. "Hard Candy" but those songs just dun appeal to me. Maybe they would after a second listen?

Browsing through, I came across "The best of Chaka Khan". Frankly, I had never bought any of her CD before. Of course, I know who she was. A black chick with a great voice. Since the CD was on sale and costs only $9.95, I thought, why not?

I looked through the song lists and the only song I recognised was "I am Every Woman", which Whitney Houston covered.

Since I am buying retro, I thought I might as well be looking for Aretha Franklin. I never bought her CD either, but I did know the song, "RESPECT". There were 2 Aretha's CD, one of which was only love songs, and another, Her best....but neither included "RESPECT". I couldn't find any other Aretha's CD. Well, maybe another day.

Then as I was walking towards SO for him to make payment, I saw "ABBA Number Ones". It was a China parallel import version and it costs $11.95. Frankly, I dun really mind any version or any type of import. Made no difference after I transfered them to my Ipod and phone.

I have heard of Abba before, but i always thought they were rather cheesy and corny. I remembered a classmate in school who was an Abba fan. He owned all the albums and could practically sing all the songs. Yeah, i found him to be corny and cheesy, especially at the time, the top bands were Spanadu Ballet, Depeche Mode and Pet Shop Boys. I did felt that his taste in music to be rather old fashioned and conservative.

But now, retro is back. Along with modern singers like Amy Winehouse and Duffy, who sounded retro.

And yeah...I am transfering them to my Ipod and phone soon.

Since I am going retro, I am searching for Dusty Springfield next. I guessed I am just fashionably slower in taste than anyone else when it comes to music.

----------------------------------

By the way, Gramophone is having a warehouse sale. They have about 100,000 DVDs/Vinyls (from $3) and CDs (from $1)


Date: July 4, 5, 6
July 4 is only for Gramophone VIP customers/UOB-Singtel Platinium Cardholders as well as SAFRA members.

Location: SAFRA Tampines, Multipurpose Hall
11am to 9 pm

Passing the Dream

When women become mothers. their life priorities change.

I was watching this TV show on celebrities mothers. Yeah I watched all kind of trashy shows. I taped such shows and practically fast forward them. So out of 30 mins, I would watch about 10 mins real time.

Well, the celebrity mum being interviewed was DS. She was a former neighbour of mine when I was living in Newton. She and her boyfriend (now husband) JL were living a few floors up. We had seen them around but we never spoke.

JL her boyfriend was a rather famous and hunky actor turned banker when he was at the prime of his career. We met JL on our very first day of moving in. We were driving in with our truckful of stuff, in our dirty clothes, sweating and smelling like pigs and who came to "greet" us at the carpark but JL. We were speechless but if the area was good enough for celebrities, it should be good enough for us.

As for DS, she was a actress turned TV host(ess)/journalist. We met her a few times at the lift lobby, and even shared the lift, sometimes alone, sometimes with her dog, "Pepper". We never spoke to one another, cos both SO and I were rather shy. Personally I dun feel we should fawn over celebrities. They are also humans after all. As for SO, it's a different case. Every time, he see a celebrity, he would whisper their name, rather loudly. Yeah...it's pretty embarrassing, though I am indifferent to them.

Anyway, on the show, DS, who was no longer in show business after the birth of her son, but now running her own PR company, said that she used to be very ambitious. She wanted to be at the top of her field (which she did) and even wanted to travel to Hong Kong or China to become a top journalist there. But after the birth of her son, everything changed. Her son is now her top priority. As for her ambitions and dreams, her children can do that for her. She is passing the dream.

When women give birth, their life change. Everything is now about their children. They, the women, dun exist any more. Self does not exist. Only their next generation. Their maternal instincts took over.

I told SO before, the female species can be so "pitiful" and sacrificial at times. For the first 15 years of their lives, they live for their parents. The next 10 to 15 years, some would live for themselves. But then if they got married and have children, the next decades till they die belong to their children. Whatever dreams, ambitions, aspirations they have now are now passed on to their children, their next generations, their clones.

Unless of course, you dun get married or dun have children, only then would you have to live out your own dreams, cos there are no one to pass them to.

Passing the dream is thus something only mothers would understand. And one would never know or understand unless one become a mother. And yet, mothers find all these sacrifices so worthwhile.

The PC Show 2008

I arranged with SO to go to the PC show this afternoon. SO was reluctant to go cos his boss was on leave and he's covering for her. He claimed he was very busy and had meetings all lined up all day.

You dun know how many threats I have to whip out to get him to go along. I told him if you dun go to the PC show with me, I am going to splurge on whatever I want. And that includes a top of the line laptop, a playstation, and maybe even a video camera.

SO left his office at 2:30pm and he was just grumbling about how he had no breakfast and no lunch. That little bitch was just whining and complaining how hungry he was. That bitch needs to eat several times a day and if he skipped a meal, he can be extremely bitchy and sourface! Not like me, I can skip breakfast and lunch and yet I dun feel hungry.

Anyway, I told him that if the food court below the PC show center was not that crowded, he could have his lunch there. But when i reached there, that place was packed! There was not a empty table in sight.

I sms SO that he could buy fruits as a snack to fill his stomach and then i went to the fruits counter. The fruits there were so expensive. Everything was 2 to 3 times more expensive than elsewhere. A piece of honey dew or papaya which normally cost $0.60 to $0.80, costs $1.50 there. Yeah, i think it is daylight robbery. SO said he would never eat there cos everything is so double priced.

The PC show was crowded.....there was barely room to move, there were hordes and hordes of bargain hunters hustling for space.

With a hungry and grouchy bitchy SO in company, I dare not linger too long to window shop. Luckily, I am the type of person who know what I want. I had read the PC show paper supplements that comes with the newspaper and did my research online. I also had checked out the booth number of the stuff I wanted.

I wanted a micro SDHC 8Gb memory card for my Nokia N95 phone and a Creative Xmod. And maybe a Canon MP610 printer.

So we wandered about a while first to get our feel, before zooming in the the Sandisk booth, Level 6, B1812. There were 2 types of micro SD card on sale. The normal 8Gb version cost $65, the ultra mobile version cost $72.

It was a steal! The papers advertised the price as $105 and this is $32 cheaper than I expected! And at least $50 cheaper than elsewhere. So I sent off SO to queue and make payment as I wandered about a bit.

It was just too crowded to really browse. I have a great phobia for crowd and people. Lots of people. I started to sweat and my breathing became difficult. I started to make my way to the queue where SO was. I did took a few photos on the way back there. I would post it up once I load it up into my phone.

After SO had made payment, we walked around Hall 6, without realising that we had forgot to take part in the Sandisk lucky draw, which came with every memory card purchase. Not that the prizes were that fantastic, but still freebies after all. Damn!

One other thing that I was looking for was PSP games. We searched high and low and did managed to find a small isolated booth selling games. Some PSP games were on offer, one for $39, three for $99. There wasn't any games I really wanted, so we left after a quick browse.

Next, we went down to the 4th level, Hall 4. This was where all the major brands are; Canon, Creative, Samsung, Acer etc. The only thing I wanted from here was the Creative Xmod. The usual price was $139. Sale price was $69 and it came with a free Zen USB adapter.

Creative was at one corner of Hall 4, Booth A 1801.There wasn't much customers around and the cashier queue was practically empty. Actually I was not quite sure whether I wanted to buy Xmod, cos I was not sure if I would actually use it. The purpose of the Xmod is that it functions like an external soundcard, making low fidelity, xtreme fidelity. It is suppose to make MP3 sound better than CDs and turn stereo music and movies into virtual surround. So I thought, why not, since there were some great reviews on the item and it was on sale!

http://us.creative.com/products/product.asp?category=209&subcategory=668&product=15913

I was also looking for a printer/scanner and had decided on Canon Pixma MP620, which costs $338 and weigh 10 kg. SO was in a bitchy mood. He said, you buy it, you carry it. I told him it comes with a free trolley and he can pretend to be a air steward lugging his luggage. He rolled his eyes.

I was still considering as to whether I wanted a printer cos I had just managed to make space in my study room for a printer. But then my laptop memory space is more than half gone. With only 80Gb memory space, I had only about 40Gb space left, rendering the laptop sluggish at times.

So finally I made the decision to NOT buy the printer at this fair, but at the next IT fair, which would be probably 6 months later. I still like the Canon MP620, but I think there would be other better grade printers at better price few months down the road.

And I told the bitch SO that I needed to buy a new laptop first, before getting a new printer/scanner. He said, okay....want to buy now? I told him, nope, not now but soon. And I want a better laptop, one that comes with at least 3 Gb RAM, 320 Gb storage space. Now that model retails for about $2300 and if we pay by istallments, it comes out to be about $100 per month for 24 months.

I am so getting a brand new laptop this year!

SO was now whining about how hungry and faint he was. I told him I wanted to take some more photos. I left him at the entrance and made my way along the side of the Hall and snapped several photos.

After that, we made our way down to the food court at Suntec. It was crowded but there were still empty seats. He had curry vegetables and rice for lunch and I had fish curry and rice.

After lunch, we made our way to Marina to take a bus back and on the way, that BITCH made me draw $140 to pay him back. Normally, he would pay for such things, but today, that whiny bitch insisted that I have to pay him back for what I bought today!

Normally, I would paid back what i bought, but I dun pay full price, I paid either 50% or 80% of whatever I bought for myself. And if the bitch was in a good mood, he would waive the payments. But this time, he said I wasted his time, and thus wanted me to pay for the full sum! He even lead me to an ATM!

Frankly, I was not in a good mood either. I hate shoppping with grouchy, whiny people and SO can be a real bitch at times when we are not shopping for him.

So I withdrew $130, intending to pay him only $100 and leaving only $30 for my personal use. No way, I was going to pay him $140. Dream on, Bitch!

He gave me $10 change back, cos he really thought I was paying $150. Ha! How stupid can he get? I told him, I should only pay him $70 cos the price of the micro SD card should be paid by him, since the phone and card would be his in a few months time anyway. He rolled his eyes.

In the end, I paid him $120, leaving only $10 for myself.

-----------------------------------

As we reached Marina, I told him John Little was having a 20% storewide sale and I wanted to grabbed some stuff. I informed him that we would either visit it today or over the weekend.