Sad

At the end of today's walk with Gin, she moved sideways across to some bushes, stood up on her hind legs and collapsed. I lifted her up and carried her immediately. She was so limp like a rag doll. I was so afraid that she would die there that very moment. I carried her all the way home. She is still able to walk after that at home. She has been walking around the house, her tongue hanging out, breathing and panting heavily.

The vet did mentioned before that her wind pipes were narrowing and her heart enlarged so I think she is breathing mostly through her mouth. Usually she would lie down prone on the floor but she is now just walking and walking around in big circles all over the house.

I feel so sad and helpless. Is this her very last night? Frankly I just do not know what to do. What can I do? Is she suffering? Does she know what is happening to her?

I have been caressing and stroking her cos I am so afraid that I would never have aother chance to do so any more. I cannot help crying. 15 years may seem a long time but it is actually such a short period for us to be together. I cannot sleep. I am so afraid that she would be gone when I awake. So afraid that I would never see her again.

So sad. Feeling so sad. I am losing a part of me. Part of me is dying.