Breaking ties with the bitch who birth me!

This post is not appropriate for those who are filial or think they are filial. If you are anything of the above, please DO NOT read on.

If you read on, it implies that you are in agreement with my terms and conditions. That you would not judge or critise my thinkings and actions. You can keep them to yourselves.

I have disallowed any comments for this post (or maybe any other posts) cos I simply dun give a crap to anyone's feedback or whatever comments to this post.

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I am still feeling tired but better than what I felt earlier this week.

And then came the life drama of the month.

As usual, initiated by my very drama mama or better known to me as the BITCH who birthed me.

To be completed

Becoming a recluse

I had just read a blog in which the author mentioned a friend's facebook status.

The thing that struck me was this...that he was
tired of people in general... that he's just feeling more and more reclusive, and that the less he go out and interact with people, the more relax and peaceful he'll feel...

Gosh, I felt the same way too.

I am just so tired of people. All sorts of people. Strangers and even people I know.

And I cannot help it!

I am some sort of a recluse. It has been ages since I have met up with some one I know, besides SO.

But recently, I am plagued with anxiety when I have to interact with anyone else. Like the supermarket cashier or those hawkers that sells rice or noodles.

Frankly, I preferred to hole up at home with my TV, my mobile phone and my laptop.

Everything else is simply redundant to me.

If SO were to die before me, I think I would probably end up like those elderly who lived alone and died alone, unknown.

That is my plight, my status.

Chronic fatigue syndrome and Mood Swings

I am so tired these days. So weary and worn out. Not from work or housework or anything like that.

Besides that my shoulders are aching and I have mild chest pains.

I just felt so and I simply cannot help it. I think I am suffering from Chronic fatigue syndrome.

CFS as defined by Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Symptoms of CFS include widespread muscle and joint pain, cognitive difficulties, chronic, often severe mental and physical exhaustion and other characteristic symptoms in a previously healthy and active person.

I am also feeling a bit depressed. Sometimes, I even find myself on the verge of tears for no reasons at all.

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For those of you who dun have such issues, it is easy to say, "Snap out of it!".

Oh please, you just DUN understand! Talk is CHEAP. Dirt Cheap! It is so easy to just mouth off! It is so simple to say Snap out of it when it does not happen to you. It is not as easy as that!

Walk a mile in my shoes and maybe you will understand. If you have some sort of compassion.

Mostly I dun like to voice out aloud all these personal "issues" cos when it is verbally expressed or expressed in whatever manner, it just seems so foolish and petty.

This is not just being in the right state of mind as I had read in some blog. This has something to do with the chemical imbalance in the brain. It has not been scientifully proven what sort of chemical imbalances that causes emotion distress or anxiety, but it is definitely NOT just trying to get attention from people.

And it is not some imaginary thing as some people thought.

Imagine Allan Ooi telling his friends or family in confidence, " I am depressed over my present job and I see no future at all. Just feel like ending it all."

Half of the people who heard this would probably think he was just stressed and joking. Most of the rest would just think it is a silly, ridiculous and stupid idea, bore out of boredom and frustrations. How many can actually empathise with what he was going through at that point in time.

Yeah, when such "suicidal concepts" are expressed out, they just sounded so .... minor and petty. Nothing to die for.

Until it is too late and the person attempted suicide or end up dead.

I had an experience some time back. I was seeing this counsellor cos I was depressed. I was foolish to think that the counsellor would help me in some way so I did voiced out all my "concerns". Naively and innocently. I was young then. And stupid to think people would understand.

After the so called "confessions", she told me I was just seeking attention and a perfectionist. She said I was not happy cos things did not go my way.

In other words, I dun think she believed me at all. Why? Cos I had no previous attempts at suicide.

Maybe to her, my life and death issues were just too minor, too petty, too stupid. This is what she made me felt after my "confessions". And I regretted telling her.

My depression worsened and within the next few weeks, I attempted suicide.

Luckily or unluckily, I survived.

I was "forced" back to the counselling center a few weeks after that. This time under another new counsellor.

However, I had lost faith in counselling by then. And the first and last words I said to the new counsellor was, Save it. You wun believe me. You dun believe it. What's the point then?

And I kept my big fat mouth shut after that.

I attended a few sessions after that and I was not very open to counselling any more. I was just sitting there, wasting my time.

The new counsellor said he was sorry with what happened to me and the prior counsellor. And that he would try to win my trust back.

But it was too late. I had lost my faith, respect and trust in all these counselling help agencies.

At around the same time, I was also seeing this psychiatrist.

I dun think he believed in me either. Maybe it was just me. I wasn't very believable?

In fact, he told me in one of the session to just go and jump or do whatever to die and he would not give a damn. Why? Cos he simply dun care.

And he was NOT a newbie. He was this old man in his 40s or 50s.And a senior psychiatrist.

Well, I dun know if it was reverse psychology or whatever. But I did thought of dying that week then. And taking him along for the ride.

I stopped seeling him soon after that and a few months later, another attempt.

Anyway, this post is NOT to lament about how suicidal I am now. I am NOT suicidal NOW.

Actually this post is suppose to be under another topic, but somehow, the feel and words just flowed. So yeah, it is a bit off topic here.

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Anyway, I was feeling so exhausted these few days and slept for an average of 14-16 hours a day. But even after all these hours of sleep, I still felt so worn out and tired.

And I really dun have the energy or strength to deal with any form of stress and drama.

I have this blood test on friday and a medical appointment on saturday.

But I just dun have that energy to discuss with the doctor any of my medical condition. This blood test and medical consultation are part of my quarterly every 4 months regular routine going on for years to monitor my uric acid level as well as my liver, kidney etc.

So I told SO that I wanted to change the appointment to another date. Preferably a day next month.

SO was just adamant that I go this week. He even threatened to die. That bitch! He thought I was just going though some bitchy tantrums.

I was really really worn out. I just told him NO. I told him not to force me or I would take drastic actions. What I was thinking was that if he simply refuse, I would just book myself into some hotel alone and disappear for a few days.

I just need that calm and peace. I could not deal with anyone at this point of time. I am NOT ready.To see a doctor or anything like that!

Well, he finally relented. And helped to change the appointment to middle of May.

I am still tired but also relieved. I dun know why I felt so. It is as if a huge load had been lifted off my back and chest.

Frankly, now I am still very tired but also just a tiny teeny bit happier.

Goodbye Rich

I dun know Richard Stanley, the late CEO of DBS.

I had read of his rare cancer which was diagnosed in late January. I was a bit shocked cos he was still quite young and it was a bit too suddenly.

I know people get cancer and all sorts of diseases all the time. But I am still shocked whenever that happen.

And then 2 and a half months later, Richard died. It was much too sudden.

Yeah, healthy young people died all the time but I was still shocked by this facts of life. It was just 2 months plus. So soon? Too soon?

As someone who was quite financially well off, he can afford to have the best treatments and doctors available. And yet, he ended up dead.

Life is so unpredictable.

I dun think Richard or his family would ever think he would die so young and so early in life.

One day, Richard was suffering from flu symptoms and the next few days, he was diagnosed with leukemia. And less than 3 months later, he was dead.

Life is a joke. A cruel bitter joke sometimes. One moment he was at the top of the world and the next, he was just ashes.

That's what life is all about. All fragility. Easy huffed out in just moments! Here one moment and gone the next.

Frankly, if something similar were to happen to SO, I dun think I can handle it.

I dun know how I would react or handle the situation. I would probably collapse and crack. Into many pieces. Or I would probably become stark raving mad.

But then if I would be the one to get a terminal disease, I would not be surprised at all.

My health has not always in the best state.

I have gotten gout and cataracts some years back. Doctors have told me it was quite rare for some one my age but not that impossible. They have seen young patients with similar conditions. But in small numbers.

Anyway, when someone died in their prime, it is very diificult for the family get over, cos it happen so unexpectedly. So suddenly.

It was too unexpected and sudden, even for me. A total stranger.

So, Rest in peace, Rich and goodbye. You have lived a good life.

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Straits Times
12 April 2009

DBS CEO dies of cancer

By Gabriel Chen

FRIENDS and family on Saturday night flocked to the wake of DBS Group Holdings chief executive Richard Stanley, who died on Saturday morning after a short battle with leukaemia.


In his nine-month stint as CEO, Mr Richard Stanley not only made his mark professionally by seeing DBS through one of its most trying times, but he will also be fondly remembered for his warm, personable leadership style. -- PHOTO: REUTERS

His body is resting at the Singapore Casket and his funeral will be held tomorrow at the Church of St Teresa in Kampong Bahru Road.

In a statement, the bank said Mr Stanley, 48, died at 8.36am.

His family 'kept vigil all night long and were by his side as he slipped away peacefully', added the statement. He is survived by his wife, Ms Koh Li Peng, and three children.

Mr Stanley was diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukaemia in late January and had been responding well to treatment.

After two rounds of chemotherapy, his doctors believed that his cancer was in remission. But his weakened immune system made him susceptible to infection, said the bank. His condition rapidly deteriorated over the last 48 hours and he succumbed to the infection.

DBS chairman Koh Boon Hwee said that DBS staff are deeply saddened by the loss.

'We will miss Rich and our thoughts and prayers are with his family during this time of bereavement,' he said.

DBS also said that Mr Koh will continue to oversee management, a role he took on after Mr Stanley's diagnosis. 'There will be no change in the bank's strategic direction,' it said. 'It will announce succession plans in due course.

Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong, who spoke to reporters at a constituency event in Marine Parade, said he was very saddened by the death of Mr Stanley, and extended his condolences to his wife and family.

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Infection after chemotherapy led to death

HOW do you deal with a cancer that attacks blood?

Early diagnosis and treatment improve the odds of beating this fast-spreading blood cancer, or acute myelogenous leukaemia (AML).

But it was an infection, soon after his latest round of chemotherapy, that led to the sudden death of DBS chief Richard Stanley yesterday.

In fact, doctors had felt that Mr Stanley's AML was treatable when it was diagnosed in late January. Mr Stanley, 48, went to see a doctor when he had flu-like symptoms, including fever and a cough, over the Chinese New Year holidays.

Tests over the next three days confirmed he had AML.

The bad news came just nine months after he became chief executive of Singapore's biggest bank. He took leave, for up to six months, and began chemotherapy treatment at once.

In a staff memo then, DBS chairman Koh Boon Hwee said doctors felt Mr Stanley's condition was treatable and full remission was possible.

Haematologists who spoke to The Sunday Times yesterday explained that AML is a type of cancer in which the bone marrow makes abnormal white blood cells. These leukaemia cells build up in the bone marrow and blood, so there is less room for healthy cells. The causes of AML are mostly unknown.

It is a very serious illness and the cancer can worsen very quickly if not treated. Dr Benjamin Mow, consultant haematologist at Mount Elizabeth Hospital, said: 'If it is not treated, the person can die within three months.'

Patients have even died within two to three weeks of diagnosis due to complications from the disease or during treatment, said Dr Koh Liang Piu, senior consultant at the National University Cancer Institute.

Even with treatment, chances of recovering fully come with caveats. A normal, healthy person might have a 40 per cent to 50 per cent chance of recovery. But the elderly or sickly will have less than a 10 per cent chance, said DrKoh.

A relapse is common, occurring in three or four out of every 10 'cured' AML patients, he said.

In the less serious cases, the patient will have to go through four cycles of chemotherapy as treatment. The more serious and risky cases will need both chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant, said doctors.

Because AML patients lack white blood cells needed to fight infection and disease, they have to be isolated during treatment to minimise the risk of infection.

Their single-bed isolation wards are specially cleaned. The few visitors who see them have to wash their hands and wear a face mask before entering the room. Such care is needed because, often, it is infections which lead to death among AML patients - especially after chemotherapy treatment.

Said Dr Koh: 'After chemotherapy, the patient's immunity is very low for the next two to three weeks. This is when the risk of infection is very high. Usually, death happens during this period.'

In a statement yesterday, DBS said Mr Stanley contracted an infection after chemotherapy, after which his condition 'deteriorated rapidly' in the last 48 hours.

Mr Stanley was treated at Mount Elizabeth Hospital. His doctor, consultant haematologist Dr Freddy Teo Cheng Peng, could not be contacted yesterday.

Infections can come from anywhere - from airborne bacteria to the pre-existing bacteria carried by the patients themselves. In very serious infections, such as blood or lung infection, the patient can die within hours, said Dr Koh.

Internal bleeding is also a common cause of death among AML patients, the worst being bleeding in the brain. This can happen suddenly and results from a lack of healthy platelets which help to form blood clots.

Said Dr Mow: 'Usually when the patient no longer responds to chemotherapy or becomes very sick, it might be too late to do anything else.'

Love like you've never been hurt

I just set up a new facebook account.

And under the main profile pic is this column titled "About me".

Frankly, I really dun know how else to describe myself in so few words.

And finally I remembered something I heard sometime back on TV. And I loved it!

I do believed that it is truly who and what I am.





To love like I never been hurt.
To work like I dun need the money.
To dance like no body watching.
To live like there's no tomolo.

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I did my research on the net and found out that it originates from some Old Irish proverbs or Mark Twain:

Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.


Guy Clark transformed it into a memorable song;

You got to sing like you don't need the money
Love like you'll never get hurt
You got to dance like nobody's watchin'
It's gotta come from the heart
If you want it to work

Bored and Depressed

I am really NOT in a good place right now. I am BORED, DEPRESSED and RESTLESS.

I have not felt this way for a long time.

Nothing seemed to interest me and nothing seemed able to hold my attention for more than a while.

SO is too busy with work to notice.

Feels like crying, but at this age, I have sort of run out of tears.

Sigh.....

New gadget for Blog

I was just checking my site traffic stats when i discovered that someone had actually linked me in her blog.

I actually have a reader! Yah!

And I was listed among Kenny Sia And Mr Miyagi in her list!

Frankly, I am honoured!

But this blog is just my indulgence. I dun seek anything from it. Hence, I only blogged when inspired. Which is not very often.

And frankly I am surprised with the relatively "high" readership per month.

From last year June 2008 to this year Feb 2008, I have about 3,000 hits. That average about 333 hits a month. And that is without doing any promotions, marketing or publicity.

Not bad for an indulgence!

So inspired by this, I added a new gadget to the blog, "Followers".

Oh yah, I also changed the title of the blog from iWicked Chronicles to A Little Wicked.

Lustful men, proud women - 7 deadly sins

The Straits Times
Feb 20, 2009

Lustful men, proud women

Vatican report lists their different vices

VATICAN CITY: Lust leads men to sin. For women, pride is their biggest downfall.

This, according to a new Vatican report, is how the sexes struggle differently with the seven deadly sins of pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth.

The report was based on a study of confessions carried out by a 96-year-old Jesuit scholar, British media reported.

Pope Benedict XVI's personal theologian has backed the report. Monsignor Wojciech Giertych said there was 'no sexual equality' when it came to sin.

'Men and women sin in different ways,' he wrote in L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper.

Pride ranks only at No. 5 for men, who are likely to have indulged in so much lust and gluttony that they are too slothful to feel angry, proud, envious or avaricious, the Times of London said.

Women are not averse to lust, but are primarily occupied with pride, envy and anger. Sloth does not set in until after gluttony and avarice, the British newspaper added.

'When you look at vices from the point of view of the difficulties they create, you find that men experiment in a different way from women,' Monsignor Giertych said.

His own observations had confirmed the survey, an analysis of confessional data carried out by Father Roberto Busa, 96, a Jesuit priest celebrated for his computerised study of the works of St Thomas Aquinas.

He said: 'Diverse cultural contexts generate diverse habits - but human nature remains the same.'

Monsignor Giertych said that human weaknesses could 'purify faith' provided that they were 'admitted and offered up to God'.

The Roman Catholic Church teaches that the seven deadly sins, which carry the threat of eternal damnation, can only be forgiven by confession and penance, the Daily Mail said.

However, 30 per cent of Catholics no longer considered confession to a priest necessary, and 10 per cent even said that it 'impeded their personal dialogue with God', the Times report said.

Many believers accept the broad seven deadly sins or 'capital vices' laid down in the 6th century by Pope Gregory the Great and popularised in the Middle Ages by Aquinas, and by Dante in The Inferno. These are:

# Lust: Excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature.

# Gluttony: Over-consumption of or overly indulging in anything to the point of waste.

# Sloth: The failure to utilise one's talents and gifts.

# Anger: Inordinate and uncontrolled feelings that can manifest as vehement denial of the truth or self-denial, or generally wishing to do evil or harm to others.

# Pride: The desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to compliment others and excessive love of self.

# Envy: Resentment of another person for having something one lacks, and wishing the other person to be deprived of it.

# Greed: Excessive acquisition of material goods.

Last year, the Vatican added seven new ones: genetic modification; human experimentation; polluting the environment; social injustice; causing poverty; 'financial gluttony'; and taking or selling drugs.

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, the Vatican body that oversees confessions, said that two mortal sins which continued to preoccupy the Vatican were abortion and paedophilia.

The latter had even infected the clergy itself, and so had exposed the 'human and institutional fragility of the Church'.

Pope Benedict, who reportedly confesses his sins once a week, last year issued his own voice of disquiet on the subject.

'We are losing the notion of sin,' he said. 'If people do not confess regularly, they risk slowing their spiritual rhythm.'

152 days since i last blogged

It has been 152 days since I last blogged.

And the reason for doing so is that I am just simply not inspired to do so.

I mean I have these ideas, concepts twirling in my head, but somehow i just dun feel the urge to turn on the computer and put it in words.

I was, however, inspired to take photos. I reckoned that I took a few thousand photos of my daily life.

So in the time to come, I would upload the photos and backtrack my blog posts.

I was drugged!

I think I was drugged by SO.

I have asked him but he simply denied it.

I have been sleeping more than usual. On Saturday night, I slept at about 3am and woke up on Sunday at 9am.

After breakfast, I went back to sleep from 11am to 5pm!

And all our plans for Sunday was ruined. I had planned to go to a movie but I was simply too tired.

That Sunday night, I slept at 11pm till Monday morning 6am.

And I still felt so tired.

I dun know what SO fed me but I have slept too much.

My first FUCK

Blogging about Jade Seah and her "Fuck" word on TV, reminded me of my first fuck.

Nope, you dirty minded. Not my first physical copulation act. But the very first time I heard and learnt the word "Fuck".

I was in primary 4 or 5 then. I was at this lift void deck with my classmate, Rodney C, who was also my neighbour, when I asked him to teach me some english vulgar words.

Rodney C was this Eurasian kid who lived upstairs. His dad was some English dude and his mom was this chinese dance hostess or something. Anyway, she got pregnant, he didn't want the baby and left her.

And so Rodney ended up living in his aunt's place, which is one floor up from our home.

Having an eurasian classmate at that time in school was a very big deal. He was very outspoken, daring and frank. I remembered that the teachers was so impressed with having this Caucasian looking eurasian boy in their school, that by the first week , they had him reading passages from a book on stage. Once a week for a month!

Anyway, he was this very playful and mischievous kid. And sometimes, we would walked home from school together.

We were just hanging around one day, waiting for the lift when I asked him to teach me some English vulgarities. And he said ok.... One word is "Fuck"

I was like, "What's Fuck"? I couldn't even pronounce it properly then.

Are you kidding me? Is fuck a real dirty word?

Yeah, he told me. Adults used it often.

I was like ...okay...but what did it mean? He didn't or couldn't explain the term to me at that time.

I did not used the "Fuck" word until many years later, but it was Rodney C who taught me my first "Fuck".

Anyway, he stayed around for about 2-3 years. By then, his mother had found an English man who was willing to marry her and locate her and her son to UK.

I remembered that day, I bid farewell to Rodney C as he waited for the taxi to take him to the airport. We were still both kids, so there was no teary goodbyes or whatever. It was like, okay...Goodbye...good life...hope to see you again.

We never exchanged contacts numbers or addresses.

A few years later, about 5?, I met him again as he came back to Singapore for a visit. But too much time had passed. It was very awkward and sort of intimidating. Sitting there talking to him was like talking to a stranger, not some childhood friend.

We chatted a bit. I remembered asking if he faced racism in UK. And he said yes. There were some guys who threw stones at him and called him a chink and asked him to go back home to China!

The thing was that when he was a boy, he was a really Caucasian looking kid. But as he grew older, he was like a bit more asian looking.

Anyway, we were in our late teens then and again we did not exchange any contacts after that meeting.

Some time later, I found out from his aunt, that he gotten married at 21. I even saw his wedding photos. But sadly, the marriage did not really last. A few years later, they got divorced.

I suppose that by now, he would have gotten married again and probably have kids of his own.

Many years back, I heard that he only got 1 or 2 passes in his "O" levels and was working as some sort of low end warehouse or delivery job.

Anyway, sometimes, I wondered about Rodney C, the boy who taught me "Fuck", curious about his life and how's he's been doing.

I suppose I could still get his address in UK. My mother are still friends with his aunt.

But something is holding me back. What's the point? It has been years and years and even if we made contact, we would have nothing in common and nothing to talk about.

Rodney C, the boy who taught me "Fuck". Thinking back, I dun know why memories of that day were so vivid. Like it happened some weeks ago and not years and years old.

Anyway, when 's your first fuck?

Good bye my friend

Some days back, I rediscovered the re-surfacing of the profile of Is.

Is had been a friend for over 10 years. In fact, in the beginning, he was some sort of my hmm...suitor? We were sort of heading that way soon after we met, cos I suppose we really did like each other and had similar intentions then.

But things did not quite work out as he often worked late on weekdays and he worked full days on weekends. We seldom had the chance to meet then. On weekends, after his work was over, he hang out with his cousins.

He was rather slow in going after me and by that time, I had knew SO. SO was faster and more attention giving, not to mention more aggressive. In the end, I chose SO over Is.

Is and I drifted aparted over time. And he got himself a steady partner.

Some years back, we met in a music store and sort of reconnected. He knew I was attached and I knew he was attached. We were friends after that.

He used to call me a few times a day some years back. That was the peak. He would called me over the slightest thing. However, there were no romantic feelings between us.

In fact, we even discussed opening a business together.

Over time, he was consumed with work and gymming. He had taken up gymming as a sport and was soon going there everyday.

And one day, the daily phone calls just stopped. But we still exchanged sms on birthdays and festive holidays.

The last time I met him was 2 years ago. Just after my eyelid surgery. We had a nice short chat and that was the last time I saw him.

I still sms him on his birthdays and christmas. In fact, I even send him cards on those occasions.

But last year, he stopped smsing me. I sort waited all day on christmas, expecting him to sms me.And he didn't. I had to sms him to get a response.

A few days ago, I chanced upon his profile, which he had deleted some months back. Immediately I send him a message saying,"How's you, boss?"

And his response was just "????"

What the fuck do you mean by ???

So I sent him another message online, So do you remember me?

And he never responded back. Not after 4 days. Even when he logged in a few times since then.

THAT bitch totally ignored my message!

I was fucking hurt! Really really hurt...

So today, I just sent him this message. Signed off with my real name.

Hmm.I must have offended you somehow for you to ignore my messages. I really thot you were my friend.

Never mind. I would not waste your time any longer. I would NOT contact you again.
Cheers and have a good life and all the best to your business and life.
XXXX


Well, I did not know if he had really failed to recognise me or that he had already given up on me as a friend.

If he had given up on me as a friend, I also did not want to hold on to something that was no longer there.

If he had, I do not know what to say except good bye my friend. It has been nice knowing you all these years.

So tired these days

I felt so tired these days. SO is not around in town and I just felt so sleepy.

I think that Bitch must have drugged me. I have been sleeping more than 12 hours with naps in the afternoon.

But I did managed to do 100 mins of cycling each day that SO was not around.

I was not in the mood to blog, so I am now backdating some of my posts.

There are quite a few photos since then and I would post them soon.

Lights out!

I woke out this morning in darkness. It was about 6 am plus.

I slept with the lights on since a few years ago. SO dun mind cos he can sleep anywhere, through anything. Lights on or not.

And so every night, we slept with the lights on. Not bright white lights but cosy yellow lights.

And this morning, I woke up in darkness, terrified.

I barked and kicked at SO in panic. Where's the lights? On the lights, now!

He grumbled and rolled out of bed, saying, it's about 6 am plus, the day is dawning and daylight is streaming in soon.

I said I dun care, just on the lights! NOW!

I am terrified of sleeping without lights. Ever since a few years ago.

I was then renting a place with SO. The place was a 2 room apartment and the owner would come back and prayed on the 1st and 15th of every month. To his ancestors.

One night as I was sleeping alone, (SO had gone home), I felt a presence on top of me. It had the form of a man. I was terrified. I thought there was a break-in.

The whole place was in darkness, and I felt the man on top pressing hard on me. I couldn't breathe or move. I was paralysed with fear. I thought the guy was going to kill me. I tried to scream but no words came out of my mouth.

Finally, I started to pray and I was overcome with anger! And finally with a shout, I broke free and rushed to on the lights.

There was no one there. It was NOT nightmare, it was sleep paralysis.

But the fear felt so real. The presence on top of me felt so real. So heavy.

A friend who had a similar experience said he believed it was ghosts or spirits. He said he was haunted by a guy, who regularly climbed on top of him while he was sleeping.

It was creepy.

Before the incident, I did not quite believe in such things. But now I do.

From then on, I slept with the lights on. Every night. Every single night since then.

When I grow up

This post is inspired by the Pussycat Dolls, "When I grow up".

When I was a teenager, I wanted to go Hollywood and be in acting when I grow up. I also wanted to be famous. That lasted till I was an young adult, when I realised that million others in the world had similar dreams and breaking into Hollywood was near impossible. For every successful actor/actress, there were thousands left behind in its path.

Then I wanted to become a model. When I was repeating my A levels, I once told some classmates that I was going for assignments in the afternoon. Intrigued, they asked me what sort of assignments. I told them a little fib that I was a model. Frankly, I was amazed that they actually believed me and that no one actually caught me on it.

And I become quite popular too. And even hang out regularly with a small group of friends.

When I was a youth, I wanted to travel the world when I grow up. And the only way I knew how was to become a flight attendant. I went for a few interviews, but was just never chosen. I proceeded to the 2nd round of interviews several times but just didn't clinched the deal for the final round of interviews.

Maybe I just wasn't the right look. And looking at my previous photos pre-surgery, I dun think I would hire me for the job either.

And after that I really did not know what I wanted to be. I had grown up.

I have always been quite talented in using the computer. I learned fast and was really interested in multimedia. And that's how I got into the multimedia industry till now.

And that's what I became when I grew up.