Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Chronic fatigue syndrome and Mood Swings

I am so tired these days. So weary and worn out. Not from work or housework or anything like that.

Besides that my shoulders are aching and I have mild chest pains.

I just felt so and I simply cannot help it. I think I am suffering from Chronic fatigue syndrome.

CFS as defined by Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Symptoms of CFS include widespread muscle and joint pain, cognitive difficulties, chronic, often severe mental and physical exhaustion and other characteristic symptoms in a previously healthy and active person.

I am also feeling a bit depressed. Sometimes, I even find myself on the verge of tears for no reasons at all.


For those of you who dun have such issues, it is easy to say, "Snap out of it!".

Oh please, you just DUN understand! Talk is CHEAP. Dirt Cheap! It is so easy to just mouth off! It is so simple to say Snap out of it when it does not happen to you. It is not as easy as that!

Walk a mile in my shoes and maybe you will understand. If you have some sort of compassion.

Mostly I dun like to voice out aloud all these personal "issues" cos when it is verbally expressed or expressed in whatever manner, it just seems so foolish and petty.

This is not just being in the right state of mind as I had read in some blog. This has something to do with the chemical imbalance in the brain. It has not been scientifully proven what sort of chemical imbalances that causes emotion distress or anxiety, but it is definitely NOT just trying to get attention from people.

And it is not some imaginary thing as some people thought.

Imagine Allan Ooi telling his friends or family in confidence, " I am depressed over my present job and I see no future at all. Just feel like ending it all."

Half of the people who heard this would probably think he was just stressed and joking. Most of the rest would just think it is a silly, ridiculous and stupid idea, bore out of boredom and frustrations. How many can actually empathise with what he was going through at that point in time.

Yeah, when such "suicidal concepts" are expressed out, they just sounded so .... minor and petty. Nothing to die for.

Until it is too late and the person attempted suicide or end up dead.

I had an experience some time back. I was seeing this counsellor cos I was depressed. I was foolish to think that the counsellor would help me in some way so I did voiced out all my "concerns". Naively and innocently. I was young then. And stupid to think people would understand.

After the so called "confessions", she told me I was just seeking attention and a perfectionist. She said I was not happy cos things did not go my way.

In other words, I dun think she believed me at all. Why? Cos I had no previous attempts at suicide.

Maybe to her, my life and death issues were just too minor, too petty, too stupid. This is what she made me felt after my "confessions". And I regretted telling her.

My depression worsened and within the next few weeks, I attempted suicide.

Luckily or unluckily, I survived.

I was "forced" back to the counselling center a few weeks after that. This time under another new counsellor.

However, I had lost faith in counselling by then. And the first and last words I said to the new counsellor was, Save it. You wun believe me. You dun believe it. What's the point then?

And I kept my big fat mouth shut after that.

I attended a few sessions after that and I was not very open to counselling any more. I was just sitting there, wasting my time.

The new counsellor said he was sorry with what happened to me and the prior counsellor. And that he would try to win my trust back.

But it was too late. I had lost my faith, respect and trust in all these counselling help agencies.

At around the same time, I was also seeing this psychiatrist.

I dun think he believed in me either. Maybe it was just me. I wasn't very believable?

In fact, he told me in one of the session to just go and jump or do whatever to die and he would not give a damn. Why? Cos he simply dun care.

And he was NOT a newbie. He was this old man in his 40s or 50s.And a senior psychiatrist.

Well, I dun know if it was reverse psychology or whatever. But I did thought of dying that week then. And taking him along for the ride.

I stopped seeling him soon after that and a few months later, another attempt.

Anyway, this post is NOT to lament about how suicidal I am now. I am NOT suicidal NOW.

Actually this post is suppose to be under another topic, but somehow, the feel and words just flowed. So yeah, it is a bit off topic here.


Anyway, I was feeling so exhausted these few days and slept for an average of 14-16 hours a day. But even after all these hours of sleep, I still felt so worn out and tired.

And I really dun have the energy or strength to deal with any form of stress and drama.

I have this blood test on friday and a medical appointment on saturday.

But I just dun have that energy to discuss with the doctor any of my medical condition. This blood test and medical consultation are part of my quarterly every 4 months regular routine going on for years to monitor my uric acid level as well as my liver, kidney etc.

So I told SO that I wanted to change the appointment to another date. Preferably a day next month.

SO was just adamant that I go this week. He even threatened to die. That bitch! He thought I was just going though some bitchy tantrums.

I was really really worn out. I just told him NO. I told him not to force me or I would take drastic actions. What I was thinking was that if he simply refuse, I would just book myself into some hotel alone and disappear for a few days.

I just need that calm and peace. I could not deal with anyone at this point of time. I am NOT ready.To see a doctor or anything like that!

Well, he finally relented. And helped to change the appointment to middle of May.

I am still tired but also relieved. I dun know why I felt so. It is as if a huge load had been lifted off my back and chest.

Frankly, now I am still very tired but also just a tiny teeny bit happier.

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