It has been a week since Gin passed away. Last week this time, she had came back from her walk and had been pacing the room.
It has been the most difficult week of my life. I am reliving the whole day before she died. I have never missed someone as dearly as I have missed her.
It is so painful. Could I have done something to prolong her life? If I had held her in my arms instead of letting her pace the room, could she have survived? But she struggled to be let down when I carried her then.
These days I kept looking behind me, sort of expecting her to be there. She is not there any more!
I have not cried for the last 2-3 days since. But I wanted to. I have been on the verge of tears many times.
Frankly, I find that this time I handled the grief better than when George, my first love, my pom died. Maybe I was all alone then and there is no one to share the grief. This time, there is SO to share the pain and the grief. I think I am taking this much better than I expected. When George died, I cried and mourned for 3 months. I cried constantly, almost everyday in my room. I was even depressed for 6 months.
I was expecting to go into depression. SO sort of expected it too. He's watching me like a hawk. Maybe he was expecting me to do something crazy and tragic to myself. He knows how much I love Gin. Maybe the truth has not hit me yet. I think I am either in denial or acceptance. I dun know which.
This time, being older and with someone by my side, the pain is lessened. My love for Gin is greater than my love for George. George was with me for 9 years. Gin was with me for 14 years 6 months. I knew Gin when she was a puppy a few weeks ago and we never left each other side since then. We were inseparable. Now we are separated.
The poem I posted a few weeks ago gave me great comfort. Do not stand by my grave and weep, I am not there. I have touched Gin's urn several times since it was brought back home, and even cried holding the urn. But I did know that she is not trapped in the urn.
She is somewhere, happy.
-------------------------
Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.
It has been the most difficult week of my life. I am reliving the whole day before she died. I have never missed someone as dearly as I have missed her.
It is so painful. Could I have done something to prolong her life? If I had held her in my arms instead of letting her pace the room, could she have survived? But she struggled to be let down when I carried her then.
These days I kept looking behind me, sort of expecting her to be there. She is not there any more!
I have not cried for the last 2-3 days since. But I wanted to. I have been on the verge of tears many times.
Frankly, I find that this time I handled the grief better than when George, my first love, my pom died. Maybe I was all alone then and there is no one to share the grief. This time, there is SO to share the pain and the grief. I think I am taking this much better than I expected. When George died, I cried and mourned for 3 months. I cried constantly, almost everyday in my room. I was even depressed for 6 months.
I was expecting to go into depression. SO sort of expected it too. He's watching me like a hawk. Maybe he was expecting me to do something crazy and tragic to myself. He knows how much I love Gin. Maybe the truth has not hit me yet. I think I am either in denial or acceptance. I dun know which.
This time, being older and with someone by my side, the pain is lessened. My love for Gin is greater than my love for George. George was with me for 9 years. Gin was with me for 14 years 6 months. I knew Gin when she was a puppy a few weeks ago and we never left each other side since then. We were inseparable. Now we are separated.
The poem I posted a few weeks ago gave me great comfort. Do not stand by my grave and weep, I am not there. I have touched Gin's urn several times since it was brought back home, and even cried holding the urn. But I did know that she is not trapped in the urn.
She is somewhere, happy.
-------------------------
Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.
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