Gin died this morning at 830 am.
She was breathless and panting like last night when i saw her this morning at 8am. I did not know if she had gotten any rest. She had been just walking about and pacing for such a long time.
And then she was lying down. Finally. But i dun see this as a good sign. I simply knew she was going. SO carried her in his arms. He said her heart was beating very fast and then it slowed down. Very slow heartbeat. She struggled to be put down. He put her down and she staggered to the kitchen and collapsed.
SO carried her again. He said her heart beat was very slow, almost hard to detect. I took her in my arms then. I couldn't feel her heart beat. Is she gone? I can still feel the warmth of her body. I held her very close to me.
Her eyes were blank and soon her body was twitching slightly. Her body was in a mild spasm. Her tongue rolled out and there were these faint droplets of pinkish blood water dripping from her mouth. I just knew she was going to leave me today.
Her body gave a final few twitches and she was gone. I felt the lower part of my body getting wet on the kitchen floor where I had sat. As she had passed away, her muscles gave way. Her bladder let go and dark color urine flowed out onto me. Her feces also leaked out into the floor.
It was rather peaceful as compared to the few times last few weeks, when she fainted on the floor, screaming and whining in a blood curdling scream.
I held her in my arms for a few minutes, crying my heart out. I felt so sad and terrible. My love had died. I did not want to move at all. I just wanted to sit on the kitchen floor and remained there forever.
Finally I placed her in the living room, on her cushion bed. SO took a piece of cloth and wiped her clean. Her feces seemed to flow out non stop. Yet she still felt so warm. She looked like she was sleeping. Her eyes were opened. I stroked her fur for a while. I could not believe she is gone. Is she gone or just sleeping? How could it be?
I was still crying as I took a quick bath. I found her my big old comforty T shirt and placed her inside. SO wanted to bring her to the vet/crematorium just like that. I insisted that he placed her in her favorite red doggy carrier bag.
I started crying again as I thought of the times she would just jumped inside the red bag as soon as we had took it out from the cabinet. She was just smart enough to know we were bringing her out each time we took out that bag. And once she saw that bag, she would just jumped in and refused to leave until we brought her out.
But this time, she was just lying there. She would never jumped into the bag again and this would be the very last time she would be using the bag. That made me sad and weep.
On the way to the car we had leased for the day, we were surprised by how heavy she was dead. When she was alive and inside the carrier bag, she dun seemed that heavy. But today, she seemed heavier than before. Her body weight was about 1.5 times normal.
I was in sun shades, crying all the way to the carpark. I did not want people to see me this way.
SO was hungry. And since Gin was dead, there was no hurry to the vet. I told SO that he could have his breakfast if he made it quick. But I had no appetite. I watched as SO finished his dry fishball noodles. I wished I could stretched time so I could spent more time with Gin, even though she is dead. I would never get back this moments again. My last moments with Gin.
At the carpark, I suddenly wanted to get a pair of scissors. I wanted to have some of her fur and paw nails as a memento. But I did not have any scissors with me. I insisted that SO drove me back home. I just wanted some parts of her last fur and nails. To remember her by.
I remained in the car as SO went back up into the house to get the scissors. I was stroking her. She was starting to lose her warmth. All these felt so unreal. Like some bad dream or rather nightmare that I could not wake up. How I wished all these were not real. I am just losing my love and crying my heart out.
The car was too narrow to trim parts of her fur. We got out of the car, went to the void deck near by and placed her on some stone table. We sat there, trimming her fur from her ears, body and legs. She just lied there, not moving. I still could not believed she is dead. I am in denial.
We also trimmed her nails. When she was alive, she really dun like us to touch her nails. Every time we needed to trim her nails was a struggle. She would struggle so much. SO remembered that and remarked on that. But now she laid docile, letting us trimmed her nails. It was by then 11am when we finished.
We went back to the car. SO could not started the car even after numerous retries. After about half an hour, he called the car agency. The agency said he could collect another car from the base or replaced the key and try the car again. We took the first option and carried Gin in her red bag back to the carpark.
We were finally on the way to the vet/crematorium. Gin had by then died 3 hours plus. I was just stroking and caressing her body. Her body was not so warm by then. It was getting colder. She was like this big toy dog lying in the bag. As the car got closer and closer to the vet, I felt panicked. The moment was coming where I would never see her or touch her again. And that moment filled me with dread.
As SO parked the car, I told him I wanted some photos. I always took photos of her alone cos I really dun like taking photos. But this was the last time we could take photos together. So we spent some time in the car park taking photos with Gin. Our final photos.
I told SO that he had to speak to the counter about the cremation options and whatever. I could not bear to speak her name out aloud. This would make me cry.
Basically there was 3 cremation options. The first is common cremation without ashes. It costs $160.50. By common, what they actually meant is that they put all the pet carcasses together, cremated together and they disposed of the ashes.
The next is common cremation with ashes. The cost is $214. They cremated several pets at one time, but each pet is partitioned from each other. They collected the separate ashes and placed them in individual urns.
The last option is single cremation. The cost is $545. For this, you can choose to view the cremation process, invite friends, all at your own time and date preference.
I chose the common cremation with ashes, cos I did not wanted her to be afraid of being alone during cremation. Yeah, I knew she was dead, but somehow I did not want her to face the cremation process alone. I would have chosen the single cremation, but I did not think I could face the cremation and the thought of her being cremated at that moment.
SO made the necessary payments and arrangements. The counter gave him a death certificate for Gin, to send to the authorities to cancel her licence. I placed the bag on the weighing machine. The weight was 6.45 kg.
At the reception counter, a girl asked SO if the dog was with us and if we could hand it over the counter. I started crying then. I really could not help it. There were only 2 other owners with their dogs at the animal clinic that day.
The counter girl on seeing me cry, suggested that we brought it to room 5. We carried Gin to room 5 and placed her on the metal table. I started sobbing again as I saw the girl went to take a black trash bag. Thinking of her in a trash bag and later in the freezer for a few days till cremation made me very sad.
I was crying loudly as I bidded farewell to my love. My heart was just breaking. This was the final departure. Who knows if we would ever meet again. I gave her a final hug and stroked her body for the very last time. SO did so too. And we turned and left the room. I was crying all the way to the car, tears just flowing and flowing. I did not care who saw me cry. I was beyond that.
Later, SO would tell me that when the girl saw me cry at the counter, she was alarmed and thus suggested we go to room 5. And when she saw me crying as she was ready to put Gin into the bag, she was a bit embarrassed and retired for a while to let us say our last good byes.
I was just crying all the way to the hospital for my blood test. Frankly, I was not in the mood to do anything except curl up and die. But SO insisted and I was just too depressed to object.
Goodbye, Gin my love. I thanked you for the wonderful memories and the happy times we spent together. You are forever, the best love of my love and I will love you forever. And I will never forget you.
I hope that you rest in peace and be happy now in where ever you are as you were with me.
She was breathless and panting like last night when i saw her this morning at 8am. I did not know if she had gotten any rest. She had been just walking about and pacing for such a long time.
And then she was lying down. Finally. But i dun see this as a good sign. I simply knew she was going. SO carried her in his arms. He said her heart was beating very fast and then it slowed down. Very slow heartbeat. She struggled to be put down. He put her down and she staggered to the kitchen and collapsed.
SO carried her again. He said her heart beat was very slow, almost hard to detect. I took her in my arms then. I couldn't feel her heart beat. Is she gone? I can still feel the warmth of her body. I held her very close to me.
Her eyes were blank and soon her body was twitching slightly. Her body was in a mild spasm. Her tongue rolled out and there were these faint droplets of pinkish blood water dripping from her mouth. I just knew she was going to leave me today.
Her body gave a final few twitches and she was gone. I felt the lower part of my body getting wet on the kitchen floor where I had sat. As she had passed away, her muscles gave way. Her bladder let go and dark color urine flowed out onto me. Her feces also leaked out into the floor.
It was rather peaceful as compared to the few times last few weeks, when she fainted on the floor, screaming and whining in a blood curdling scream.
I held her in my arms for a few minutes, crying my heart out. I felt so sad and terrible. My love had died. I did not want to move at all. I just wanted to sit on the kitchen floor and remained there forever.
Finally I placed her in the living room, on her cushion bed. SO took a piece of cloth and wiped her clean. Her feces seemed to flow out non stop. Yet she still felt so warm. She looked like she was sleeping. Her eyes were opened. I stroked her fur for a while. I could not believe she is gone. Is she gone or just sleeping? How could it be?
I was still crying as I took a quick bath. I found her my big old comforty T shirt and placed her inside. SO wanted to bring her to the vet/crematorium just like that. I insisted that he placed her in her favorite red doggy carrier bag.
I started crying again as I thought of the times she would just jumped inside the red bag as soon as we had took it out from the cabinet. She was just smart enough to know we were bringing her out each time we took out that bag. And once she saw that bag, she would just jumped in and refused to leave until we brought her out.
But this time, she was just lying there. She would never jumped into the bag again and this would be the very last time she would be using the bag. That made me sad and weep.
On the way to the car we had leased for the day, we were surprised by how heavy she was dead. When she was alive and inside the carrier bag, she dun seemed that heavy. But today, she seemed heavier than before. Her body weight was about 1.5 times normal.
I was in sun shades, crying all the way to the carpark. I did not want people to see me this way.
SO was hungry. And since Gin was dead, there was no hurry to the vet. I told SO that he could have his breakfast if he made it quick. But I had no appetite. I watched as SO finished his dry fishball noodles. I wished I could stretched time so I could spent more time with Gin, even though she is dead. I would never get back this moments again. My last moments with Gin.
At the carpark, I suddenly wanted to get a pair of scissors. I wanted to have some of her fur and paw nails as a memento. But I did not have any scissors with me. I insisted that SO drove me back home. I just wanted some parts of her last fur and nails. To remember her by.
I remained in the car as SO went back up into the house to get the scissors. I was stroking her. She was starting to lose her warmth. All these felt so unreal. Like some bad dream or rather nightmare that I could not wake up. How I wished all these were not real. I am just losing my love and crying my heart out.
The car was too narrow to trim parts of her fur. We got out of the car, went to the void deck near by and placed her on some stone table. We sat there, trimming her fur from her ears, body and legs. She just lied there, not moving. I still could not believed she is dead. I am in denial.
We also trimmed her nails. When she was alive, she really dun like us to touch her nails. Every time we needed to trim her nails was a struggle. She would struggle so much. SO remembered that and remarked on that. But now she laid docile, letting us trimmed her nails. It was by then 11am when we finished.
We went back to the car. SO could not started the car even after numerous retries. After about half an hour, he called the car agency. The agency said he could collect another car from the base or replaced the key and try the car again. We took the first option and carried Gin in her red bag back to the carpark.
We were finally on the way to the vet/crematorium. Gin had by then died 3 hours plus. I was just stroking and caressing her body. Her body was not so warm by then. It was getting colder. She was like this big toy dog lying in the bag. As the car got closer and closer to the vet, I felt panicked. The moment was coming where I would never see her or touch her again. And that moment filled me with dread.
As SO parked the car, I told him I wanted some photos. I always took photos of her alone cos I really dun like taking photos. But this was the last time we could take photos together. So we spent some time in the car park taking photos with Gin. Our final photos.
I told SO that he had to speak to the counter about the cremation options and whatever. I could not bear to speak her name out aloud. This would make me cry.
Basically there was 3 cremation options. The first is common cremation without ashes. It costs $160.50. By common, what they actually meant is that they put all the pet carcasses together, cremated together and they disposed of the ashes.
The next is common cremation with ashes. The cost is $214. They cremated several pets at one time, but each pet is partitioned from each other. They collected the separate ashes and placed them in individual urns.
The last option is single cremation. The cost is $545. For this, you can choose to view the cremation process, invite friends, all at your own time and date preference.
I chose the common cremation with ashes, cos I did not wanted her to be afraid of being alone during cremation. Yeah, I knew she was dead, but somehow I did not want her to face the cremation process alone. I would have chosen the single cremation, but I did not think I could face the cremation and the thought of her being cremated at that moment.
SO made the necessary payments and arrangements. The counter gave him a death certificate for Gin, to send to the authorities to cancel her licence. I placed the bag on the weighing machine. The weight was 6.45 kg.
At the reception counter, a girl asked SO if the dog was with us and if we could hand it over the counter. I started crying then. I really could not help it. There were only 2 other owners with their dogs at the animal clinic that day.
The counter girl on seeing me cry, suggested that we brought it to room 5. We carried Gin to room 5 and placed her on the metal table. I started sobbing again as I saw the girl went to take a black trash bag. Thinking of her in a trash bag and later in the freezer for a few days till cremation made me very sad.
I was crying loudly as I bidded farewell to my love. My heart was just breaking. This was the final departure. Who knows if we would ever meet again. I gave her a final hug and stroked her body for the very last time. SO did so too. And we turned and left the room. I was crying all the way to the car, tears just flowing and flowing. I did not care who saw me cry. I was beyond that.
Later, SO would tell me that when the girl saw me cry at the counter, she was alarmed and thus suggested we go to room 5. And when she saw me crying as she was ready to put Gin into the bag, she was a bit embarrassed and retired for a while to let us say our last good byes.
I was just crying all the way to the hospital for my blood test. Frankly, I was not in the mood to do anything except curl up and die. But SO insisted and I was just too depressed to object.
Goodbye, Gin my love. I thanked you for the wonderful memories and the happy times we spent together. You are forever, the best love of my love and I will love you forever. And I will never forget you.
I hope that you rest in peace and be happy now in where ever you are as you were with me.
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