Why? Maybe they are used to a life without love. Or maybe love is not that important anymore.
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The New Paper
17 July 2008
LOVE: LOST &FOUND
MORE Singaporeans are falling in love, out of love, and back in love again.
So say statistics released last week, which indicate divorces and remarriages are on the rise.
Why is it so hard to make love last? To find the answer, we visit places that couples may find themselves in the course of their love story.
Our question: What makes a marriage tick?
By Ng Tze Siong
THE MATCHMAKER
The place:
Swivel chairs, fluorescent lighting and pictures of young, foreign brides. A matchmaking agency - where the loveless find love.
Most often-heard phrase:
'Singaporean women are so demanding.'
The love guru:
A matchmaker, Mr Janson Ong, owner of Life Partner Matchmaker, which specialises in Vietnam brides.
(Statistics show a rise in the number of inter-ethnic marriages.)
His thoughts:
'A marriage that fails today would have started failing a few years ago, and when you look at the past 10 years, you'll see that it was not an easy time for couples.
We had 9/11, Sars, a lot of negative equity.
For some people, it's no money, no love. We have to be realistic about this.
So matchmaking is a short-cut. It is for people who know what they are looking for.
My clients are looking for a simple housewife.
Is it true love? It's just switching the order.
Instead of love, then marriage, it's marriage, then love.
By thinking of marriage before courtship, you are forced to think about the future first, then work backwards from there.
You are forced to make things work. It's not that easy to walk out of a marriage.'
THE SOLEMNISER
The place:
A beach, a ballroom, the Registry of Marriages (ROM). A place where marriage vows are exchanged - and the fairytale begins.
Most often-heard phrase:
'I don't know what it (a marriage vow) means.'
The love guru:
A solemniser from ROM, Brother Emmanuel.
His thoughts:
'Of the 900 or so couples I've helped marry over the past 30 years, about one quarter of them come in with wrong expectations.
Most of them do not know what a marriage vow really means, that it is not a vow you make to yourself or to your spouse, but to your god.
It doesn't matter what religion you have, or if you even have one.
A marriage vow is a promise to the supreme being in your heart, whatever name you call it.
A marriage is sacred. It's a vow you should never break.'
THE GYNAECOLOGIST
The place:
Syringes, latex gloves and a doctor's white coat. A gynaecologist's clinic - where love becomes complete.
Most often-heard phrase:
'Is my baby normal?'
The love guru:
A gynaecologist, Dr Cathryn Chan.
Her thoughts:
'The birth of a baby is a critical time in a relationship.
Babies are 'romance intruders' in certain ways. Caring for them may be an anti-climax after the romance.
To keep their love going strong, couples should not focus all their energy on the baby. They must remember to make time for each other.
But sometimes, the child keeps a couple together only because of the responsibility.
So when the child is all grown up, the couple suddenly find themselves having grown apart.
This is why in the future, we may see more and more older couples with grown-up children divorcing.'
THE LAWYERS
The place:
A receptionist, a conference room, a bird's eye view from high up in the Central Business District. A lawyer's office - where the fairy tale ends.
Most often-heard phrase:
'What happened to the wife/husband I knew?'
The love gurus:
Lawyers Stuart Palmer and Ahmad Nizam Abbas from the matrimonial department of Straits Law.
Their thoughts:
Mr Ahmad: 'The fact that there were fewer divorces in the past does not mean there were happier marriages.
Women were less independent then. Divorce was a bigger taboo.'
Mr Palmer: 'Times have changed. And the pressures of modern life can lead to a breakdown in communication.'
Mr Ahmad: 'That may not seem like a problem when a couple first gets together.
They have a meeting of minds, then they get married.
The first year of a marriage... that is critical. If they can survive it, they are good for another five or six years.
These will be busy years, when you have your children, buy a car, or buy a flat.
During this time, the couple may gradually grow in different ways.
But they will only realise this later, when things settle down and boredom sets in.
Then, by the time they come to see us, they say, 'What happened to the wife/husband I knew?'
Mr Palmer: 'Couples must remember - the communication begins before a marriage, not after.'
THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR
The place:
An air-conditioned office in a Toa Payoh industrial park, opposite a welder's workshop. A funeral parlour, where the love story ends the way it should - 'till death do we part'.
Most often-heard phrase:
'I see my wife/husband in my children.'
The love guru:
A funeral director, Victor Hoo from Singapore Funeral Services
His thoughts:
'I come in at the end of a beautiful love story and my role is to fill in the emptiness - with memories of their love.
But we do see the good, the bad and the ugly?
People say 'till death do us part'.
But what they don't say is, is it a sad parting or a happy parting?
Sometimes, the spouse is so relieved the husband or wife is gone.
But I can tell whether a couple's love is true, just by looking.
And it's not from the crying.
It's how much attention they pay to the details of the funeral - the colour of this, the position of that...
It's like they are loving the person as if he or she is still there.
And this is what true love is: When you can still love someone without his or her physical presence.
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