Reading about aging transsexuals in the papers reminded me of a certain transsexual called Ms M.
When I was still working many years ago, Ms M was one of my staff. She was a male to female transsexual who worked in a clerical position in the same organisation. Since mine was a rather senior position, I was given supervision of certain junior staff like interns, temps, admin staff, drivers and even cleaners.
Yeah...I did noticed that Ms M looked kinda strange at first sight. She was this mature aunty in her 50s, wrinkles on her face. But this aunty was taller than 1.85m. She was not muscular nor manly in stature but she sure towered over me by half a head.
I am a rather easy going person. I dun discriminate. As long as you did your work well, dun hanky panky in office, I am very friendly. Ms M was not quite a diva. She was only diva-ish. Around 50s, how diva can you still get?
Ms M was not very highly educated. She was actually sent by her company to work for us. In other words, her job was outsourced. Actually Ms M's responsiblities were rather simple and mechanical. Her pay was, I think $1000 or less. Frankly, at her age, that's pretty low income.
Ms M was quite friendly. But as she did not hide the fact she was a transsexual but out and proud, not many people in the office associated with her. I suppose she got along better with those younger staff, below 30, cos they were more open-minded. Those older, more senior or in her age group, were more conservative and some maybe did not approve of her life decision did not socialise much with her. Or maybe she was so low on the office hierarchy system, there was no need for interaction with her.
My cubicle was just outside the big boss office. And Ms M had her own small room very near to my cubicle. And when Ms M was free, she liked to pop over and chat. Sometimes we had long chats. About life and love and the men in her life.
I dun like to talk about myself. That's why I always directed my conversation to the other person. When Ms M and I talked, we always talked about her. And she liked it. Here was someone, young, normal, talking and listening to her.
Thinking back, maybe I should not have chatted so much with her. During my last few weeks with the company, I realised that some of the conversations outside the boss office could be heard quite clearly inside his office. And my voice can be rather loud at times and thus I wondered how much my boss heard. But he never said anything.
Ms M always came to work in tops/shirts and pants. I dun think I have ever seen her in any dress or skirts before. She only worn some lipstick and light makeup. Her dressing and makeup were not too over the top or outrighteously flamboyant, like some drag queens. She was simple. Like some aunty that we all knew. Except this aunty was once a man.
Ms M at 50s was still looking for a man and a companion. She had relationships before but they did not quite last. Some were a few years or months and some a few days. And as she got older, she found it more difficult to get a male companion who truly liked her for what she was, a transsexual. Now that she was aging, her competition were those who were younger and of course, naturally born females.
She told me once, she was looking for a man who only likes women. Not gay men who like men. Some of the guys she dated and had relationships were gay guys, guys who liked her cos she was once a man. She only wanted guys who wanted her cos she is a woman, not someone who had a sex change from man to woman.
I advised her many times not to be fussy. I told her....to be frank, look at your age. Can you still do the choosing? You are not a spring chicken anymore. Just go for someone who truly likes you. That is already a very high task and such a person difficult to find.
She told me, she could not do it. She only wanted a man who loves women. Which was quite impossible, I told her. There's no hiding the fact, that you were once a man. And if a man can have a real woman, why would he settle for a fake woman? I told her if she is any fussy, she is probably going to die alone, an old maid!
Then I asked her....would you want a fake diamond? She said no.....I told her...you are akin to a fake diamond. If you are still searching for a someone who wants a real diamond, you would never find that someone special. Instead, go for someone who appreciates you for who you are.
She seemed to understand then. She said that then maybe she would rather be alone all her life. But who knows what may happen in the future?
My relationship with Ms M was rather strange. She can be quite stubborn at times. And I have to do a certain amount of kind "scoldings" on things I find "naive" about her. She is more than twice my age then and her life experiences were definitely richer than mine. But her thoughts can be quite naive and overly simple at times.
Once I went on leave for 2 weeks, she came to me after I returned, telling me how much she missed me and my "scoldings". She said her ears felt itchy without me "insulting" her. My colleagues even told me sometimes they found her in my chair, sitting there dreaming. She even wore my furry slippers cos it reminded her of me. (I gave them to her. I am some sort of cleanliness freak who dun like others to wear my stuff.)
I left the company a few months after that. We did not exchange contact numbers. In the 2 years that we worked together, we talked only in the office, not outside office hours. We were friendly only at work. And I did returned once to the office after that, she came to me with a sad face, telling me that she was so sad, no one scolded her like I did, and after I left, the office seemed a much duller place to work in.
I heard a few months after I left, her company posted her elsewhere.
I saw Ms M last year. She was working in a shopping mall. She was at a distance. I did not say hello. I sometimes meet people I worked with before but I dun initiate greetings unless the other person did so first. The reason was cos I did not know what to say. And I hated having to condense my present life in 5-10 mins.
But I did missed chatting with Ms M. Maybe next time, I meet Ms M on the street, I just might say hello to her.
---------------------------------
The New Paper
30 June 2008
DEATH OF AN AUNTY 'LADYBOY'
HOW DO BUGIS DIVAS GROW OLD?
We rely on one another, say transvestites
By Mindy Tan
IN the mid-1980s, she was a model, and then a fashion coordinator, and later, she took the stage as a performer at the Boom Boom Room. Now, at 42, she says: 'Darling, those days are over.'
Miss Amy Tashiana, a transsexual, looks you in the eye and is perfectly open about discussing her life. She said: 'We have gone through the extremes to get to who we are, fight to live as who we feel we should be. So it is natural that we grow over the years to become very tough and fiercely independent. 'In order for a man to come along to match that and share companionship, you need someone who is really, really big.' Does that mean loneliness as they grow older?
Some of the first generation Bugis street transsexuals and transvestites are in their 60s today, like Mr Abdul Khalid Othman, the 61-year-old who was murdered, allegedly by a lover less than half his age.
One transsexual in her mid-50s said: 'When you grow older, sex is no longer important. Like normal people, we seek companionship.' Some from Bugis Street left to open clothing and jewellery shops, but return occasionally to visit the 'sisters'.
When this reporter first met MissTashiana in 2001, it was at a talent management company. Then, everyone called her a diva. But when The New Paper on Sunday met her again last week at a hawker stall, she looked very different. She was tidying up the food stall, pushing a cart, with curry stains on her white T-shirt. When asked how come she looked so different from her days of glamour, she replied: 'No lah, just helping my friend out at her stall for a few days. 'Still glam!' She laughed, pulling at her cream-coloured shorts. And she added: 'This is Prada, leh.'
So, was she once the queen of Orchard Towers? She explained: 'Orchard Towers is a beginning for many of us. Everyone has a beginning when they learn to be a woman. 'Some were teenage girls in secondary school having crushes on boys, learning how to wear heels and put on make-up, and slowly maturing to become a woman.
'We don't have that luxury of time. So we jumpstart our lives at Orchard Towers, dressing flamboyantly, wearing every accessory we can, eager to show breasts and other assets. But that is just the beginning. Nobody wants to be there their whole lives.' Where, then? With a man? 'After all the people I met in my life, I would find typical Singaporean men extremely boring,' she said. 'We would have nothing to talk about. I need someone bordering towards the extreme.'
There are those who find love. Said Madam Fiona, 55, (not her real name), a transsexual happily married to a Singaporean: 'The men have to be very strong to stand for his right to love whom he wants.' Some have gone overseas. In Europe, for instance, they find more acceptance in society.
Another transsexual, Madam Shanu Rekha, who is also in her 50s, is married to a European man 20 years younger. They live in Denmark with two adopted children. Miss Tashiana herself has been single since 2005, after two serious relationships of three years with a Singaporean and an English man. Around the time of her last breakup, she bought herself a three-room flat in Eunos. Owning her own place is a dream come true. It's a neat and cozy place, with dark wood furniture, where she lives with at least two well-fed cats. She has paid off her breast implants and sex-change operation. And now, she is gaining in years gracefully. Discos don't gel with her lifestyle any more. She said: 'I don't hit Zouk. I stay home and relax, go to photo exhibitions and art galleries. My health is the most important. I do intend to have a boyfriend but I am more fussy about letting a person into my life.' There is no such thing as 'auntiehood' according to MissTashiana.
'I live my life to the best of my ability. Depression can hit anyone, even married women. If you go along with it, you will age,' she said. She does not crave having her own family but thrives on the support of a tightly-knit group of middle-aged transsexual friends, much like how the characters from Sex And The City lean on each other and value their friendships as they near 50. 'And I am thankful I don't have to deal with things like pregnancy, menstrual cycles and menopause,' she said.
But like so many of the Bugis Street transsexuals who have gone overseas, she too is planning to venture abroad for love, perhaps when she hits 50. 'I just have to give myself a chic, short crop and I will look younger than most people my age in a European city. Singapore is too small,' she said.
'Look at the older Singaporean men looking for China women or going to Batam to look for mistresses. 'What about me? I can go to Europe, find someone younger than me by 20 years.' Referring to Mr Abdul's murder, she added: 'Don't isolate him in his situation. The chee ko pek (Hokkien for dirty old man) exists in everyone. Not just transvestites and transsexuals. 'People mix with those who are younger to make themselves feel younger. You want to buy a product that's better than yourself.'
The writer is a freelance correspondent.
When I was still working many years ago, Ms M was one of my staff. She was a male to female transsexual who worked in a clerical position in the same organisation. Since mine was a rather senior position, I was given supervision of certain junior staff like interns, temps, admin staff, drivers and even cleaners.
Yeah...I did noticed that Ms M looked kinda strange at first sight. She was this mature aunty in her 50s, wrinkles on her face. But this aunty was taller than 1.85m. She was not muscular nor manly in stature but she sure towered over me by half a head.
I am a rather easy going person. I dun discriminate. As long as you did your work well, dun hanky panky in office, I am very friendly. Ms M was not quite a diva. She was only diva-ish. Around 50s, how diva can you still get?
Ms M was not very highly educated. She was actually sent by her company to work for us. In other words, her job was outsourced. Actually Ms M's responsiblities were rather simple and mechanical. Her pay was, I think $1000 or less. Frankly, at her age, that's pretty low income.
Ms M was quite friendly. But as she did not hide the fact she was a transsexual but out and proud, not many people in the office associated with her. I suppose she got along better with those younger staff, below 30, cos they were more open-minded. Those older, more senior or in her age group, were more conservative and some maybe did not approve of her life decision did not socialise much with her. Or maybe she was so low on the office hierarchy system, there was no need for interaction with her.
My cubicle was just outside the big boss office. And Ms M had her own small room very near to my cubicle. And when Ms M was free, she liked to pop over and chat. Sometimes we had long chats. About life and love and the men in her life.
I dun like to talk about myself. That's why I always directed my conversation to the other person. When Ms M and I talked, we always talked about her. And she liked it. Here was someone, young, normal, talking and listening to her.
Thinking back, maybe I should not have chatted so much with her. During my last few weeks with the company, I realised that some of the conversations outside the boss office could be heard quite clearly inside his office. And my voice can be rather loud at times and thus I wondered how much my boss heard. But he never said anything.
Ms M always came to work in tops/shirts and pants. I dun think I have ever seen her in any dress or skirts before. She only worn some lipstick and light makeup. Her dressing and makeup were not too over the top or outrighteously flamboyant, like some drag queens. She was simple. Like some aunty that we all knew. Except this aunty was once a man.
Ms M at 50s was still looking for a man and a companion. She had relationships before but they did not quite last. Some were a few years or months and some a few days. And as she got older, she found it more difficult to get a male companion who truly liked her for what she was, a transsexual. Now that she was aging, her competition were those who were younger and of course, naturally born females.
She told me once, she was looking for a man who only likes women. Not gay men who like men. Some of the guys she dated and had relationships were gay guys, guys who liked her cos she was once a man. She only wanted guys who wanted her cos she is a woman, not someone who had a sex change from man to woman.
I advised her many times not to be fussy. I told her....to be frank, look at your age. Can you still do the choosing? You are not a spring chicken anymore. Just go for someone who truly likes you. That is already a very high task and such a person difficult to find.
She told me, she could not do it. She only wanted a man who loves women. Which was quite impossible, I told her. There's no hiding the fact, that you were once a man. And if a man can have a real woman, why would he settle for a fake woman? I told her if she is any fussy, she is probably going to die alone, an old maid!
Then I asked her....would you want a fake diamond? She said no.....I told her...you are akin to a fake diamond. If you are still searching for a someone who wants a real diamond, you would never find that someone special. Instead, go for someone who appreciates you for who you are.
She seemed to understand then. She said that then maybe she would rather be alone all her life. But who knows what may happen in the future?
My relationship with Ms M was rather strange. She can be quite stubborn at times. And I have to do a certain amount of kind "scoldings" on things I find "naive" about her. She is more than twice my age then and her life experiences were definitely richer than mine. But her thoughts can be quite naive and overly simple at times.
Once I went on leave for 2 weeks, she came to me after I returned, telling me how much she missed me and my "scoldings". She said her ears felt itchy without me "insulting" her. My colleagues even told me sometimes they found her in my chair, sitting there dreaming. She even wore my furry slippers cos it reminded her of me. (I gave them to her. I am some sort of cleanliness freak who dun like others to wear my stuff.)
I left the company a few months after that. We did not exchange contact numbers. In the 2 years that we worked together, we talked only in the office, not outside office hours. We were friendly only at work. And I did returned once to the office after that, she came to me with a sad face, telling me that she was so sad, no one scolded her like I did, and after I left, the office seemed a much duller place to work in.
I heard a few months after I left, her company posted her elsewhere.
I saw Ms M last year. She was working in a shopping mall. She was at a distance. I did not say hello. I sometimes meet people I worked with before but I dun initiate greetings unless the other person did so first. The reason was cos I did not know what to say. And I hated having to condense my present life in 5-10 mins.
But I did missed chatting with Ms M. Maybe next time, I meet Ms M on the street, I just might say hello to her.
---------------------------------
The New Paper
30 June 2008
DEATH OF AN AUNTY 'LADYBOY'
HOW DO BUGIS DIVAS GROW OLD?
We rely on one another, say transvestites
By Mindy Tan
IN the mid-1980s, she was a model, and then a fashion coordinator, and later, she took the stage as a performer at the Boom Boom Room. Now, at 42, she says: 'Darling, those days are over.'
Miss Amy Tashiana, a transsexual, looks you in the eye and is perfectly open about discussing her life. She said: 'We have gone through the extremes to get to who we are, fight to live as who we feel we should be. So it is natural that we grow over the years to become very tough and fiercely independent. 'In order for a man to come along to match that and share companionship, you need someone who is really, really big.' Does that mean loneliness as they grow older?
Some of the first generation Bugis street transsexuals and transvestites are in their 60s today, like Mr Abdul Khalid Othman, the 61-year-old who was murdered, allegedly by a lover less than half his age.
One transsexual in her mid-50s said: 'When you grow older, sex is no longer important. Like normal people, we seek companionship.' Some from Bugis Street left to open clothing and jewellery shops, but return occasionally to visit the 'sisters'.
When this reporter first met MissTashiana in 2001, it was at a talent management company. Then, everyone called her a diva. But when The New Paper on Sunday met her again last week at a hawker stall, she looked very different. She was tidying up the food stall, pushing a cart, with curry stains on her white T-shirt. When asked how come she looked so different from her days of glamour, she replied: 'No lah, just helping my friend out at her stall for a few days. 'Still glam!' She laughed, pulling at her cream-coloured shorts. And she added: 'This is Prada, leh.'
So, was she once the queen of Orchard Towers? She explained: 'Orchard Towers is a beginning for many of us. Everyone has a beginning when they learn to be a woman. 'Some were teenage girls in secondary school having crushes on boys, learning how to wear heels and put on make-up, and slowly maturing to become a woman.
'We don't have that luxury of time. So we jumpstart our lives at Orchard Towers, dressing flamboyantly, wearing every accessory we can, eager to show breasts and other assets. But that is just the beginning. Nobody wants to be there their whole lives.' Where, then? With a man? 'After all the people I met in my life, I would find typical Singaporean men extremely boring,' she said. 'We would have nothing to talk about. I need someone bordering towards the extreme.'
There are those who find love. Said Madam Fiona, 55, (not her real name), a transsexual happily married to a Singaporean: 'The men have to be very strong to stand for his right to love whom he wants.' Some have gone overseas. In Europe, for instance, they find more acceptance in society.
Another transsexual, Madam Shanu Rekha, who is also in her 50s, is married to a European man 20 years younger. They live in Denmark with two adopted children. Miss Tashiana herself has been single since 2005, after two serious relationships of three years with a Singaporean and an English man. Around the time of her last breakup, she bought herself a three-room flat in Eunos. Owning her own place is a dream come true. It's a neat and cozy place, with dark wood furniture, where she lives with at least two well-fed cats. She has paid off her breast implants and sex-change operation. And now, she is gaining in years gracefully. Discos don't gel with her lifestyle any more. She said: 'I don't hit Zouk. I stay home and relax, go to photo exhibitions and art galleries. My health is the most important. I do intend to have a boyfriend but I am more fussy about letting a person into my life.' There is no such thing as 'auntiehood' according to MissTashiana.
'I live my life to the best of my ability. Depression can hit anyone, even married women. If you go along with it, you will age,' she said. She does not crave having her own family but thrives on the support of a tightly-knit group of middle-aged transsexual friends, much like how the characters from Sex And The City lean on each other and value their friendships as they near 50. 'And I am thankful I don't have to deal with things like pregnancy, menstrual cycles and menopause,' she said.
But like so many of the Bugis Street transsexuals who have gone overseas, she too is planning to venture abroad for love, perhaps when she hits 50. 'I just have to give myself a chic, short crop and I will look younger than most people my age in a European city. Singapore is too small,' she said.
'Look at the older Singaporean men looking for China women or going to Batam to look for mistresses. 'What about me? I can go to Europe, find someone younger than me by 20 years.' Referring to Mr Abdul's murder, she added: 'Don't isolate him in his situation. The chee ko pek (Hokkien for dirty old man) exists in everyone. Not just transvestites and transsexuals. 'People mix with those who are younger to make themselves feel younger. You want to buy a product that's better than yourself.'
The writer is a freelance correspondent.
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